Some major events this year:
My Uncle is killed
I lose my job
Jeff's Cousin is killed
A friend dies of cancer
A friends son gets cancer
Grandmother showing signs of Alzheimer's
I am having a hard time staying positive. Last year was so amazing in terms of my mood, so it is a real let down to be feeling down. I was so sure any depression was behind me but now I find myself constantly analyzing whether I am depressed or not.
Yesterday Jeff made a suggestion about inviting his cousin's who just lost their brother to a soccer game. I said "do you think it is too soon." he got so offended and kept asking me over and over why I would say that. All I could think was that if it were me I don't think I could even think about going to a soccer game. Jeff would know better than me. I felt like such an idiot and a loser. It feels like all the time I am saying stuff that he calls me out on. I am getting all teary thinking about it.
He is on his way home now from the visitation. I feel so bad for him but I am terrified I won't say the right thing.
Another thing that is bringing me down is the strong possibility I won't be able to homeschool Everly. I just don't think Jeff will go for it and I don't know if financially we can do it. The more I read the more I want to do it. I just know it is the right thing for us. I get so sad thinking it won't happen.
Everly is just so amazing. I love her more than I ever though possible. In fact I love her so much I start doubting whether we should have another child because I can't imagine loving another, and I can't imagine not giving her all my attention. I never ever thought I would feel this way.
This is why I can't write anymore... I can't get all my thought out.